Who Dat Done Fixed New Orleans ?
Feb 6th, 2010 by JuannyCinco

Today is Superbowl Sunday.  Today is the day that the New Orleans Saints take on the Indianapolis Colts in the biggest game in the world.  (Apologies to the one or two non-American readers of this blog.  I know the World Cup is bigger really… but play along for now… the winner is WORLD champion, so it’s almost as big).

Isn’t it more than a game?

Of course.  It’s the final evidence that New Orleans has not only survived the destruction wreaked upon it by Katrina but has come out of it unscathed.  It wasn’t a federal grant that saved N’awlins, it wasn’t the use of otherwise unengaged military that brought NOLA back from the brink, it wasn’t even that it was declared an emergency, it wasn’t even the outstanding efforts George Bush’s government.  Nor has it apparently been a result of Obama’s pledge to

[we] will partner with the people of the Gulf Coast to rebuild now, stronger than ever.

It was in fact none of these things.  It wasn’t even Reggie Bush.. (although it could be argued he saved Kim K’s career.. )

Drew Brees saved the Big Easy1

That’s right.  Drew Brees.  If you don’t believe me watch the Superbowl.  You will hear this amazing truth on a number of occasions.  You will hear about how the whole Crescent City rallied around the ‘Aints.  You will hear how the entire city, without exception, is Geaux’ing for the Saints.

Who Dat who Loves a Feelgood Story?

The success of the team has been forefront of the news.  Every week since the Saints opened with 45-27 pounding of the hapless Detroit Lions the news has paralleled the success of the Saints with the rebuilding of Reggie Bush’s relationship with Kim Kardashian the city, the Lower 9th and the entire mentality that comes with living and breathing New Orleans.  This wonderful story is wonderful for everyone – in particular, the NFL who loves any emotive story that can put the discussions of a lockout into the dirty shadows of shame. What did the Colts center have to say about what players needed to do in case of a lockout?

We’ve told them, ‘Don’t go out and buy a new boat. Don’t go out and buy a new car.

That’s not a feelgood story.  New Orleans having a Party or  New Orleans being saved by the NFL – those are stories. That’s the news (Goodell wants you to hear).  The NFL really wants to support the rebuilding of New Orleans by…actively discouraging encouraging the sales of who dat merchandise.  Beyond the NFL? Well who wants to read that the Corps of Engineers was determined to be negligent?  I mean… who needs to look at real issues and scars opened up by Katrina?   Who needs to see if New Orleans still needs help?

Who Owns Who Dat?

Yes. The NFL, desperate to prove its love for New Orleans has made it official – despite sending cease and desist notices, they are now allowing anyone to sell merchandise with Who Dat or the Fleur-de-Lis and who says this is the No Fun League?    Local sellers… the NFL Loves YOU now that someone in a legal department clarified trademark law to them.

But New Orleans …

I do like you….I admit it.  I love chicory coffee. I love beignets at midnight. I love the feeling that it embraces every quirk that makes it what it is.

It’s a GREAT city.  But what makes it great is not Drew Brees and it’s not the ‘Aints and it’s certainly not the NFL.

It has great places to visit – and don’t stay in-and-around Bourbon Street , which is incidentally, the only place that people are happy to see Hurricanes and Hand Grenades.   I say visit it.  I say enjoy it. I say, see it for yourself.  I say, don’t rely on some commentator to inform you of the state of the recovery and the NFL’s role in it’s rising from the ashes.


I don’t want to hear from the NFL how they fixed New Orleans.  I just want the people of New Orleans to be able to show that there is some civic pride left in America.  That there is some hope left in America for things that could otherwise be left in tatters and ruins.  I want the PEOPLE of New Orleans to show that things ARE FIXED and things still ARE BROKEN.  It’s not as black and it’s not as white an issue as the media leads us to believe – either figuratively, or,  literally.

I’ll give the NFL credit for creating the biggest opportunity for the people of the Crescent City/the Big Easy/N’awlins  to share their city.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Here’s hoping the Detroit get their shot at being fixed by the NFL next year.  Are you reading this Matthew Stafford?

1 I don’t mean to belittle what Drew Brees really has done.. he has a foundation that works directly with the local communities

Japanese Car Bashing. The New American Pastime.
Feb 3rd, 2010 by JuannyCinco

Narrator: A new car built by my company leaves somewhere traveling at 60 mph. The rear differential locks up. The car crashes and burns with everyone trapped inside. Now, should we initiate a recall? Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don’t do one.

Woman on plane: Are there a lot of these kinds of accidents?

Narrator: You wouldn’t believe.

Woman on plane: Which car company do you work for?

Narrator: A major one.

This excerpt from Chuck Pahlahniuk’s novel “Fight Club” –  and like any good graduate of American High-School  would,  I heartily recommend the movie over the book – sums up the state of modern marketing to the masses.   For many years the mass populace of the US has looked to Japan as excellence in quality and safety.  Detroit languished with its series of poorly made, shoddily duct-taped together cars.   But what do you know?  Retribution is sweet.  Retribution is the great equalizer and the media is embracing the story full on.

Toyota halts sale

Recall Goes Global

Fact:  I hate Toyota because they make boring looking cars.
Fact: I hate Toyota because they make cars lacking in character.

So Why Do I care about this recall ?

I care because the recall says more about the current state of the USA than many-a-news story.  This isn’t about Toyota.  This is about supporting the necessary resurgence of the great American automobile.  This is about the RECOVERY.  U-S-A…..U-S-A… Actually I think it’s a little of the Morrissey “We hate it when our Friends become Successful” syndrome – that is, we hate success even more for our Asian cousins.

Toyota was KING and Toyota was prime to be taken down and the MEDIA STORM is in full effect:

Have you heard about… the new 2010 GTI? It had a recall because ….well, it liked to arbitrarily slip into neutral I’m thinking that’s not safe.
Have you heard about… the Corvette that wishes it was a CONVERTIBLE?
Have you heard about… the GMC Yukon which has a water seal issue that can…well increase the likelihood of a crash
Have you heard about… the GM Pontiac that shares the Toyota issue… who cares, right ? Pontiac is a hospice brand.
Have you heard about….the Honda that could spontaneously combust?
Have you heard about… the F150 failing airbags?

Have you heard about….Firestone tires tread falling off…oh, you remember that? Me too…that kind of went away didn’t it.
Now before you all tell me that LIVES HAVE BEEN LOST and how gross negligence has become pervasive in the Toyota company and their lack of transparency is an unwanted anachronism in the modern world…

Have a guess at how many people have been killed by runaway floor mats or sticky pedals..1? 10? 16? Now, in truth,  I don’t actually have any idea but I’m sure your guess was too high… I had trouble finding any information on it due to the huge

Toyota cover up…

that isn’t.   I wonder, is it is more or less deaths than those caused by defective seat belts or inherent design flaws in SUVs….

Who cares? No-one really cares about FACTS do they?

That’s right, we’ve been entrapped in the MEDIA CIRCUS.  Toyotas build cars just as crappy as the French now – and THAT’S what is important.   I know it’s news because the scale is huge with over 2 million cars… but it’s a lot of hullaballoo over nothing.  Anyone who has EVER bought a new car has had a warranty recall mailing to their house.
What is it that I find most shockingly absurd about the events? It is the Fox news “interviewees”.  These people claim they will never trust Toyota again, that they are disappointed in the standard of quality being sold.  They claim their safety is at risk!

They rhetorically ask“How DARE THEY show frivolous disregard for our safety -damn candy people1!”.

They claim this shock-and-awe at Japanese fallibility and then get into their unchecked-tire-pressure, no-tread-left, unchecked-oil-level,  late-on-a-scheduled-maintenance car and turn into traffic rolling through the stop sign, failing to yield to pedestrians and totally oblivious to the light that flashes to indicate to other drivers that they are turning proving only that  other cars’ horns work!

If we really cared about safety we wouldn’t allow class action lawsuits where the monies are distributed equally between the lawyers and … well their partners with whatever’s left going to split amongst 2 million drivers.

If we really really cared we’d be forced to buy new tires when they were bald, fix lights that are burnt out, and have to replace old worn out mats.  We’d have to have our lights repointed (yeah, how many of you have ever done that?), oil changed, brakes checked regularly…. but we don’t.  We’re safe UNLESS we happen to be in one of these 0-100mph Toyota death traps.

Perhaps I’m ultra cynical.  Maybe this isn’t a move to promote non-Japanese cars. Maybe this isn’t about giving American cars an opportunity to get in the good graces.  Perhaps… just perhaps this ISN’T about the wonderful legal system (<—follow this link it’s eye opening)…. Maybe it is simply a big giant cover up.  If it is, just remember …

Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war…  BUY  SWEDISH!

Conspiratorially Sarcastically Yours,


1 I hold nothing against the people of Japan. This derogatory term was meant to illustrate the point.

Florida vs New York
Jan 15th, 2010 by JuannyCinco

You probably didn’t know until 10 seconds from now that I work in an environment that is heavily dominated by New Yorkers.  Now there is nothing inherently wrong with New Yorkers, it’s just that things usually get off to a bad start due to the fact that they insist that there are no places that supply pizza comparable to their local NY corner pizza

Hmmm... lovely droopy greasy pizza..

I have yet to understand this because as far as I can tell it always looks reminiscent of SBARRO which we have in every mall next door to the China Bourbon Chicken Factory ™

To put one foot further forward towards annoying everyone they always insist that nowhere knows how to make a proper bagel! Not even Ray’s (which say authentic on the bag!)  They’re even better frozen than fresh! (allegedly, talk to Ray).

Original Jewish New York Bagel (from Korean store)

Crappy Fake Florida Bagel

Of course the irony is that a bagel was created to work around the sabbath and is inferior to proper bread.  It’s like complaining that you can’t buy your old bunny ears while looking at the latest deep black multi input HDMI digital 55 inch LED indoor movie screen.

Better than that new fangled Hi-Def?

So, if you’re keeping score, that’s New York 2-0 Florida.

New Yorkers also insist that everything is bigger, better, faster, more crowded, corrupt, [cut it out, Ed] and just more but Juanny is here to set the record straight – it’s a best of five!

  1. New York has Three Card Monte – all that requires is to find the Ace within 3 cards and its just a hustle where thieves take advantage of individual tourists (please come back).   We have the Florida Three House Monte where police have to find the empty house with the stolen goods – this is thieves taking advantage of banks, people, police and of the giant gaping chasm in the economy given to us by New York’s famed Wall Street.

    Florida wins this one.  New York 2-1 Florida.

  2. New York has second rate Chinese purses and they are nothing but cheap knock offs.  Florida? we don’t do cheap second rate Chinese knock-offs, we do full blown second rate products that result in major  knock-downs. Chinese drywall, it’s safer than Chinese milk ™.

    Florida wins this one.New York 2-2 Florida.

  3. New Yorkers complain about the terrible drivers and the awful interstates in the area.  Yes.  You have terrible drivers and psychopathic cab drivers; however, while we only have to deal with your snow-birds for three months of the year they’re the oldest and the worsest drivers of them all.  That and we have to deal with the other traffic as I’ve discussed.

    A tie on that one. New York 2-2 Florida.

  4. New York has a homeless problem….yeah, well Florida has a peopleless problem….I’m going to call this a tie due to this potential win-win solution.

    A tie on that one.  New York 2-2 Florida.

  5. New York is supposed to be primo real estate yet Derek Jeter – yes Derek Jeter, the famous Yankee and every New Yorkers favorite New Yorker is building his pleasure palace right here in Florida.  He doesn’t even want to pay taxes there and claims Florida as his home even as he’s standing scratching himself between 2nd and 3rd at Yankee Stadium.

    New York 2-3 Florida.Game – Set- Match.

    Oh, and by the way, Chicago Pizza is way better….

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