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Florida Driving Test
Sep 29th, 2010 by JuannyCinco

Recently I was once again lamenting the fact that I share the road with Floridians.  I tell you – these people don’t know how to drive!  I’ve discussed vehicles and the Un-Roadworthy but this time I’ve come armed with new facts.

What are these facts?

The Florida DMV simply doesn’t care about the rules of the road, the laws of the land, or the simple set of followable instructions that would make everyone’s journey on the various random road-surfaces of Florida safe.  I guess I should punctuate that as random road-surfaces.

How did I come to determine this?  Look at their homepage. They cover habitual offenders, avoiding road-rage (no doubt important here in the land of sunshine and blue-hairs), double traffic fines (because tickets are now big business overtaking safety as a primary concern of the venerable-FHP), SENIOR DRIVER Safety Programs (How about not letting them drive?) What about EVERYONE ELSE’s Safety programs ?   Then of course we cover Sales Tax and paying for your registration.  What else? Oh yes, they also cover Vanity plates.

(Actually this is famously NOT a vanity plate but a real random plate)

Seems they cover ever things about making money but nowhere do they seem to cover anything related to what specifically are the LAWS of the road.

Luckily, after much research I found the laws of Florida driving – and I can now share some of the laws of signage with you!  See if you can match the answer to the sign/light.

Sign 1

A. When the red light is showing you cannot turn right
B. When the red light is showing you might be able to turn right
C. When the red light is showing you can still go left.

Sign 2

A. The center lane is shared and can be used to overtake
B. The center lane can be used to turn left across traffic
C. The center lane is a swerve lane used to avoid accidents

Sign 3

A.  Come to a complete halt before continuing
B.  Come to a rolling stop before continuing if driving a police car
C.  Ohers will STOP for you so move on

Sign 4

A. Yield to the left
B. You have right of way so continue yielding to the right
C. Come to a complete STOP and look confused for a while.  Pull out randomly

Sign 5

A. Watch for pedestrians
B. 10 points!
C. Both A & B

Sign 6

A. Campgrounds are ahead
B. The Seminole Hard Rock Casino isn’t as plush as I remember
C. The Seminole Tee-Pee Casino ahead

Sign 7

A. Stop! We’ve reached the hunting ground
B. Santa lives here in the Winter.  Beware of Prancer.
C. Beware deer because in a collision the dear die but your car doesn’t do much better

Sign 8

A. Speed up – this road doubles as a rollercoaster
B. No Skoal is available here, only the generic brand
C. The DOT has run out of money and didn’t fix this part of the road

Wasn’t that fun?

Juanny.

B, B, A, A, C (ok, it’s A), A, C, A (is the closest answer)

Florida vs New York
Jan 15th, 2010 by JuannyCinco

You probably didn’t know until 10 seconds from now that I work in an environment that is heavily dominated by New Yorkers.  Now there is nothing inherently wrong with New Yorkers, it’s just that things usually get off to a bad start due to the fact that they insist that there are no places that supply pizza comparable to their local NY corner pizza

Hmmm... lovely droopy greasy pizza..

I have yet to understand this because as far as I can tell it always looks reminiscent of SBARRO which we have in every mall next door to the China Bourbon Chicken Factory ™

To put one foot further forward towards annoying everyone they always insist that nowhere knows how to make a proper bagel! Not even Ray’s (which say authentic on the bag!)  They’re even better frozen than fresh! (allegedly, talk to Ray).

Original Jewish New York Bagel (from Korean store)

Crappy Fake Florida Bagel

Of course the irony is that a bagel was created to work around the sabbath and is inferior to proper bread.  It’s like complaining that you can’t buy your old bunny ears while looking at the latest deep black multi input HDMI digital 55 inch LED indoor movie screen.

Better than that new fangled Hi-Def?

So, if you’re keeping score, that’s New York 2-0 Florida.

New Yorkers also insist that everything is bigger, better, faster, more crowded, corrupt, [cut it out, Ed] and just more but Juanny is here to set the record straight – it’s a best of five!

  1. New York has Three Card Monte – all that requires is to find the Ace within 3 cards and its just a hustle where thieves take advantage of individual tourists (please come back).   We have the Florida Three House Monte where police have to find the empty house with the stolen goods – this is thieves taking advantage of banks, people, police and of the giant gaping chasm in the economy given to us by New York’s famed Wall Street.

    Florida wins this one.  New York 2-1 Florida.

  2. New York has second rate Chinese purses and they are nothing but cheap knock offs.  Florida? we don’t do cheap second rate Chinese knock-offs, we do full blown second rate products that result in major  knock-downs. Chinese drywall, it’s safer than Chinese milk ™.

    Florida wins this one.New York 2-2 Florida.

  3. New Yorkers complain about the terrible drivers and the awful interstates in the area.  Yes.  You have terrible drivers and psychopathic cab drivers; however, while we only have to deal with your snow-birds for three months of the year they’re the oldest and the worsest drivers of them all.  That and we have to deal with the other traffic as I’ve discussed.

    A tie on that one. New York 2-2 Florida.

  4. New York has a homeless problem….yeah, well Florida has a peopleless problem….I’m going to call this a tie due to this potential win-win solution.

    A tie on that one.  New York 2-2 Florida.

  5. New York is supposed to be primo real estate yet Derek Jeter – yes Derek Jeter, the famous Yankee and every New Yorkers favorite New Yorker is building his pleasure palace right here in Florida.  He doesn’t even want to pay taxes there and claims Florida as his home even as he’s standing scratching himself between 2nd and 3rd at Yankee Stadium.

    New York 2-3 Florida.Game – Set- Match.

    Oh, and by the way, Chicago Pizza is way better….

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