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Un-Roadworthy
Nov 21st, 2009 by JuannyCinco

For a few months I have been crossing vast expanses of land to get to the work office of discontent.   This has reinvigorated my efforts to determine the worst drivers on the road based on vehicle generalizations.  You see, to the observant driver, there is a recognizable correlation that can be drawn between car models and the standard of driving.

This post is the fruit of my laborious mental note taking – so without further ado, I bring you the TOP TEN WORST DRIVERS LIST.

10 The Gravedigger

One of the great pleasures living in the small hick town of Lutz is that despite its real standing as merely a suburb of Tampa the yokels still believe they live in the rural boondocks.  Those people live in the Twilight zone.  The simple fact is that Lutz now has a Wal-mart (a Super one, no less) built alongside railroad which makes Lutz a – gasp – real town.  Despite its new found metropolis status, you will still find sitting the super truck sitting outside your nearest Winn-Dixie on US-41.   Super trucks can be easily spotted by virtue of the fact that the wheels are bigger than most new  eco-mobiles (aka compact cars).  Whatever creatures drive these things have watched too many monster truck rallies – the roads are not your playground and you may not crush the “opposition”.  So not technically a “model” but easily an easily recognisable type of vehicle.

9 White Conversion Van

Yes. GMC.  Let’s see.  You’re a large vehicle around which I cannot see when I sit in my non-eco compact car.  This means that when you quickly swerve to avoid traffic that is stopped in front of you without the use of your indicator – it leaves me in a state of momentary panic as I realise that the car is parked in the fast lane just ahead of me.  I could have picked any large vehicle but the white conversion van is also just creepy when it parks in inappropriate places – like outside of a school.

8 Cadillac with the V8 Northstar

The Florida mobile.  This is a stalwart American engine.  This is an engine that is under-appreciated by all those foreign-model car drivers.  It’s a quality engine with good pickup, acceleration and a top speed that is more than sufficient to upset the local FHP.  But this is Florida! This car is driven by Generation B, as in Generation Blue Hair…that or a bunch of Canadians share one and drive them around town…slowly.  So what’s the issue? The issue is that the V8 is not utilized at all.  These Canadian transplants get the car to huff and puff to a 0-60 time of ….never get that fast, what are you insane? …who could believe that was even possible! 60mph?

If I didn’t love my car I’d get a sticker “My Karma: When I’m old and senile I’m moving to Canada and driving real slow”

7 Honda Civic with custom Exhaust

Driver is 16 and thinks that delivering pizzas makes him/her hot stuff.  The low rider strip, the white speedo, the nitro switch, the custom rims all on a 1998 car worth about a $1,000.   Driver of these cars seem to experience major under steer and over steer even when traveling in a straight line causing them to constantly change lanes.

Do not confuse this car with late model Honda Civics.  These are driven by middle-of-the-road old guys – that’s an age  and lifestyle statement not a driving style!

6 White Crown Victoria

The Crown Victoria has worst drivers insofar as they NEEDLESSLY slow traffic down around them.   If it’s an ex-cop-mobile like the Blues Brothers then you are number 6 on my list.  Avoid them around malls.

5 Ducati Motorcycle

Controversial pick.  I’m always reading that we, in cars, should pay particular attention to bike riders.  Who is telling bike riders to pay attention to the much bigger, much better protecting objects surrounding the drivers called cars.  Exactly.  Driving between cars, pulling wheelies, and generally proving you can get to 100mph in less than 5 seconds is very cool but also kind of stupid.

4 Lexus Gicanticus

The Lexus Giganticus.  Rich middle aged women believe that the bigger the car the safer they are.  Combine this with the unfortunate societal standard that driving a Lexus makes you significantly cooler than spending a day at driving school means that this monster cross-over, SVU (oops a Law and Order typo) SUV speeds along all roads that are between home and the nearest friendly plastic surgeon.

3 Acura TL

I have not really figured out why Acura drivers are so insane with their passing manoeuvers.   The only satisfactory answer that I could find is that bored, bald, chubby middle aged men have bitter wives who will not entertain their mid-life crisis.   That is to say, that where the drab grey man would like to have a Corvette, his wife reminds him that he is boring and has responsibilities.  Rather than buying the Corvette and being castrated when she finds out, and rather than buying the boring Camry performing a self-castration of sorts, he figures he can split the difference..get an Acura! They’re dependable, safe, reasonably boring but with the ability to let loose and screw up traffic patterns.
Slow down Old Man!

2 Minivans

What happens to mothers when you put them behind the wheels of a minivan?  It’s almost as if a time continuum leakage occurred and they are trying to get to everywhere five minutes ago!  That red light? Missed it due to yelling at junior.  Speed limit? What’s  5 miles / – 5 minutes ? That’s -60 mph…. oh that’s so confusing, I’ll just go faster.   Pay particular attention to avoid the “parked in the FIRE LANE minivan” because invariably this just means that an 8 year old is dropping off something while mommy waits – laundry, the Shrek DVD, etc.  Fire Lane? It’s free parking WTF? While they are stationary you are forced into potential oncoming minivan traffic..or having to avoid the pedestrian slave child who seems to have inherited the minivan attention deficit curse…and worse, the driver could take off at any time.  Indicate, check mirror, pull out?  That’s for weenies…. just pull out when the times right. (Perhaps this is a shared reason for the child like accident in the back?)

1 School Buses

They aren’t really vehicles for the road – I believe that they are actually designed for the military but nonetheless…school bus drivers.   I often wonder what Thanksgiving would be like at the home of a school bus driver.  “You know I’m a good driver because I’ve had 20 accidents and not one of  fatality! Those kids are safe with me”  or “One day I’m going to graduate.  I can handle these kids anymore….when do I get promoted to the Prison Run?”.

You see, school bus drivers are just trainees for the bigger prison jobs.  The kids in the back.  They’re all unbuckled safe and sound – don’t sit on the whiplash wheel well seat if you know what’s good for you!

So, congratulations school bus drivers, you are the Number 1 Un-Roadworthy Group!

Some of the honorable mentions are:

Prius

It’s not only the most ugly car on the road after the Honda Element, but it’s also the car that gives drivers a self righteousness that they think translates to the road: “I own a Prius and am therefore entitled more privileges than you”.  These privileges extend to going slow enough so that I have to constantly ride the brakes because I get close enough to see that your child is citizen of the week at some la dee da private school.  In addition, the Prius drivers drift across lanes taking the “as the crow flies” route to conserve gas – they almost kill you but it’s with principles in mind!   The drivers of these cars seem more excited about reading their electric battery readouts than paying attention to the traffic around them.

The Police

You single handedly take smooth flowing traffic and turn it into a bulbous mass of confusion just by your presence.

Drunk/U-I Drivers

You’re not restricted to a type of vehicle or you’d be Numero Uno.  Don’t do it.  It’s not fun.  It’s not clever.  It’s dangerous. If you’re going to drive, save taxpayer money and only kill yourself.

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